we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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