Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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