That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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