Jerry, you need to find god
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
