I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
