Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think I am morally bankrupt
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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