I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
