your thong is hanging out like whoa
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
