I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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