I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
