A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
