i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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