i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
