that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Are my feet made of real feet?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
