I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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