Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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