I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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