the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
