I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
