Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
