Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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