It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
