If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
only you would photoshop your dick
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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