1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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