Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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