Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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