no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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