Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
