grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
