I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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