she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
