God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
