Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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