i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
