The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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