Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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