that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
