Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
