How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
