Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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