I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
