She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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