this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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