I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
