Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i've created a new STD.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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