I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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