I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
