I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
