why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
