my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
