You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
