Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
