Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
